| | Bloopers... |
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| Church |
| The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. |
| Should we just stare at our food? |
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| Church |
| The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' |
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| Church |
| Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. |
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| Church |
| Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. |
| That is better than some things I might say. |
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| Church |
| Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. |
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| Church |
| Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. |
| Please don't come back. |
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| Church |
| For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. |
| Do I want to know? |
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| Church |
| Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. |
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| Church |
| Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. |
| Why did they have to ruin a perfectly good friendship? |
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| Church |
| A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. |
| As they say, beans are the musical fruit. |
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| Church |
| At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. |
| It can't be that bad, can it? |
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| Church |
| Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. |
| That is a one of the drawbacks to getting old. |
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| Church |
| Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. |
| As long as they are going to a good cause. |
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| Church |
| Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. |
| I sure hope they have large envelopes. |
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| Church |
| The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. |
| Church, even their hostility is full of grace. |
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| Church |
| Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. |
| I told you not to eat the potato salad. |
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| Church |
| The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. |
| They will do anything to get new visitors. |
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| Church |
| This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. |
| I don't need a blanket to sin. |
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| Church |
| Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. |
| I like a church that tells it like it is. |
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| Church |
| The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. |
| You can plug those things in? |
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| Church |
| Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. |
| As if any of them would use the front door. |
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| Church |
| The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. |
| Eigth-graders presenting Shakespeare, how tragic. |
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| Church |
| Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. |
| We don't want anybody getting stuck. |
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| Church |
| The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' |
| Oh yeah, well up yours buddy! |
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| Test Answers |
| H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. |
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| Test Answers |
| To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. |
| That might get you eternal hellfire and brimstone but I don't know about sulfer. |
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| Test Answers |
| When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. |
| I wonder what oderless gas smells like. |
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| Test Answers |
| Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is Water and gin. |
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| Test Answers |
| A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. |
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| Test Answers |
| Liter: A nest of young puppies. |
| I wonder what a gallon is. |
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| Test Answers |
| Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. |
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| Test Answers |
| Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. |
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| Test Answers |
| Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. |
| If the pope is there is it really empty? |
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| Test Answers |
| Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. |
| That farmer must get some mighty strange looks. |
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| Test Answers |
| The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. |
| Maybe a shotgun would work better. |
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| Test Answers |
| A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. |
| So my father is more extinct than I am? |
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| Test Answers |
| To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. |
| I wonder how you take out a contact. |
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| Test Answers |
| For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. |
| I expect thatthe next question is what do you do for a heart attack. |
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| Test Answers |
| For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. |
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| Test Answers |
| Germinate: To become a naturalized German. |
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| Test Answers |
| The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, Because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum I forget where the Sun joins in this fight. |
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| Test Answers |
| Blood flows down one leg and up the the other. |
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| Test Answers |
| Anything you put in your mouth can make you less hungry |
| Like the foot this test answerer just placed into his/her mouth. |
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| Mistranslations |
| Marketing: The Quink pen "won't leak and embarrass you." Spanish mistranslation: The Quink pen won't embarazar you - make you pregnant |
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| Mistranslations |
| Coors Marketing: "Turn it loose." Spanish mistranslation: "Get loose bowels." |
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| Headlines |
| A quote in a news story when Tyson Gay qualified for the Olympics… "It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me." |
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