| | | Rate Existing Bloopers... |
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| Church |
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. | 5 |
| Should we just stare at our food? |
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. | 5 |
| Do I want to know? |
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. | 5 |
| As long as they are going to a good cause. |
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. | 5 |
| I sure hope they have large envelopes. |
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. | 5 |
| They will do anything to get new visitors. |
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| Test Answers |
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. | 5 |
| That might get you eternal hellfire and brimstone but I don't know about sulfer. |
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. | 5 |
| We don't want anybody getting stuck. |
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| Test Answers |
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull. | 5 |
| That farmer must get some mighty strange looks. |
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| Church |
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' | 4 |
| Oh yeah, well up yours buddy! |
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| Test Answers |
When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide. | 4 |
| I wonder what oderless gas smells like. |
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| Church |
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. | 4 |
| It can't be that bad, can it? |
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. | 4 |
| As if any of them would use the front door. |
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| Church |
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. | 4 |
| I don't need a blanket to sin. |
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| Church |
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. | 4 |
| I like a church that tells it like it is. |
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| Church |
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' | 4 |
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. | 4 |
| That is better than some things I might say. |
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| Test Answers |
The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, Because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum I forget where the Sun joins in this fight. | 4 |
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| Test Answers |
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives. | 4 |
| If the pope is there is it really empty? |
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| Test Answers |
Anything you put in your mouth can make you less hungry | 3 |
| Like the foot this test answerer just placed into his/her mouth. |
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| Church |
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. | 3 |
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. | 3 |
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. | 3 |
| Why did they have to ruin a perfectly good friendship? |
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| Church |
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. | 3 |
| As they say, beans are the musical fruit. |
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. | 3 |
| Church, even their hostility is full of grace. |
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. | 3 |
| That is a one of the drawbacks to getting old. |
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| Test Answers |
Liter: A nest of young puppies. | 3 |
| I wonder what a gallon is. |
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Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat. | 3 |
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Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away. | 3 |
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| Test Answers |
The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects. | 3 |
| Maybe a shotgun would work better. |
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| Test Answers |
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is. | 3 |
| So my father is more extinct than I am? |
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| Test Answers |
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. | 3 |
| I wonder how you take out a contact. |
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| Test Answers |
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops. | 2 |
| I expect thatthe next question is what do you do for a heart attack. |
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For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. | 2 |
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| Test Answers |
Germinate: To become a naturalized German. | 2 |
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| Test Answers |
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water. | 2 |
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| Church |
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. | 2 |
| Eigth-graders presenting Shakespeare, how tragic. |
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| Test Answers |
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is Water and gin. | 2 |
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A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. | 2 |
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| Church |
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. | 2 |
| I told you not to eat the potato salad. |
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| Church |
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. | 2 |
| You can plug those things in? |
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| Church |
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. | 2 |
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| Church |
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. | 2 |
| Please don't come back. |
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| Test Answers |
Blood flows down one leg and up the the other. | 2 |
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| Mistranslations |
Marketing: The Quink pen "won't leak and embarrass you." Spanish mistranslation: The Quink pen won't embarazar you - make you pregnant | |
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| Mistranslations |
Coors Marketing: "Turn it loose." Spanish mistranslation: "Get loose bowels." | |
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| Headlines |
A quote in a news story when Tyson Gay qualified for the Olympics… "It means a lot to me," the 25-year-old Homosexual said. "I'm glad my body could do it, because now I know I have it in me." | |
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